Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

%$@*&%
 

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.  The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

but Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far. (drumroll)

This is a very important label that you must print out in case of extreme emergency:

I am only as strong as the cocktails I drink, the hairspray I use and the friends that I have. Here’s to you, my friends! “Woo Woo!”

Submitted by Lois Murphey:
 
Martha Stewart:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc.,chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
 

Martha Stewart:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women:
Leftover wine??????